Fathers

Fathers, this one is for you.

I am often saddened and dismayed to observe men at their worst. Specifically, when they demean and degrade their children and spouses. I am not even talking about physical abuse. I am talking about those men who have the attitude that they are the "Man of the House" or the "King of the Castle", and therefore, are somehow more important than the other people with whom they live.

And for those of us who do not have such attitudes, this will be an affirmation of what makes being a father so wonderful.

Here is something I learned while in the Army from a wise, older gentleman from my church: Men, we are only husbands and fathers because we are allowed to be, and we must earn that privilege every day. The gentleman who told me this had been married 54 years, so I think he knew something about it.

We choose our spouses, just as they choose us. However, our children didn't choose us. And at some point they will - or not. It depends on whether you give them reasons to choose you. Also, our spouses can later reject their choice - reject us - and still be mothers.

Let me explain. I have a friend who is proud of his Jewish heritage, in spite of the fact that he is, by faith, Christian. You see, his mother is Jewish by birth, and according to him, the Jewish culture traces a person's lineage (determining whether or not they are born in the faith) through the mother. When I asked him why, he simply said, "Because there is never any question as to who the baby's mother is!"

Men, we are only fathers and husbands because our wives and children allow us to be. In other words, a woman can conceive and bear children, and they can never deny the fact that she is their mother. Now, she may not be motherly, but she is the mother. If she chooses, she can separate herself from us and continue to be a mother. However,  if she does so, we cease, in many ways, to be a father.

In other words, even though we have paternal rights allowed by law, whether or not our children see us as a father, depends on their viewpoint; their choice - not ours. If they choose us as a father, then we are fathers. If not, we are not - despite DNA.

The role of a father is to support, guide, provide for, and at times, discipline his children. This is a vital role. If we do not do so in the spirit of love and giving, without seeking recognition or reward, then these same children will turn away from us, and it will be as if they were never born to us.

Because of my fathers injuries and illnesses, he became addicted to pain killers and prescribed narcotics. He never stole drugs or committed crimes to obtain them because he didn't have to. This was a day and age that physicians often just prescribed the medication without control. Nevertheless, for a period of time, he made our lives a living hell.

I was 16, and somehow, I set my father's temper off, and we got into it. This wasn't the first time that he had attacked me physically, but it was the last time. He punched me in the face, breaking my nose. I didn't cry out or attack back. I simply picked myself up off the floor, reached inside my jacket and pulled out a knife - a hunting knife with an 8" blade. Brandishing my knife, I said, "That's the last time you ever get to do that again! If you ever come after me, you will meet this! And remember, you have to sleep sometime! You are no father of mine!" And I left.

In less than a year, we had healed the wounds caused by that incident. I guess it finally dawned on him, that unless he wanted to lose all connection with his children, he had better clean up his act. Because the choice to allow him into my life and to accept him as my father was mine - not his. Unfortunately, he never repaired the relationship he had with my older brother.

Yes, we must, and can, lead by example of what it means to be a good man. We don't have to have money, we don't even have to have much. We just need to strive, as best we can to provide for our families, shelter them from the ills of the world, and give them loving guidance.

Yes, there are times when we must discipline our children. Providing children with no discipline is the grossest type of abuse because we allow them to hurt themselves. Refusing to provide discipline is selfish. However, when discipline is required, do so for the child, not for you. Don't use the occasion to release your own stress. You are stronger than that. Hold your own stress in and release it later through exercise, work or meditation.

Discipline because you love, not because you are angry. Guide because you care, not because you control - because the truth is, you don't control - not ultimately.

Now even the best fathers have wayward children, even children who spend much of their lives dealing with addiction, crime and prison. But, if these fathers can honestly say that they did all they could to be a good father - as best as they knew how - then, in spite of all that their children have done, they will still look at this man as their father.

Men, we are a royal brotherhood. We have the awesome responsibility and opportunity to raise children who are prepared for the world. Children who have the confidence necessary to overcome the challenges they face. There is much to be done, and it can be done, with the proper guidance and direction from a loving father.